Depression can be the face of someone who is smiling, telling jokes and being happy, which I often am. I have a family, a job and I am alive so why should I be sad?
It is difficult to talk to people when you do not know what response you will get. In the past, I came to know that people were talking behind my back saying that I am “needy” or “always about myself”. But maybe I felt like it because I needed a friend.
When you are the person who is always there for others. Then that role changes because you need to shoulder, people can be so quick to judge.
So for myself, it’s either I wear this mask and keep smiling, pushing everything backwards … or I break down. It seems that there is no talk between me because I find it difficult to talk. Not knowing how to talk about my feelings has affected my own personal life because instead I react to “fight or flight”. I either want to scream and shout how hard I find it. I just want to run away and hide what is inappropriate for people’s love.
Even the simple act of talking, doing something around the house. Or picking up what I want to do can sometimes make me feel like my head is about to explode, because I can’t process what goes on. Used to be. So this is when my “fight or flight” has a kick.
Thankfully it’s not all the time and a lot depends on how I’m feeling that day, because I have good days and bad days. Some days I am not as wrong as I can be, but it can change so quickly.
I need to open myself up, let people learn to come in and talk. But I also believe that we need to live in a world where judgment is abandoned, depression accepted, and We can talk openly.